Joke of the Day....

[Omer Said]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Chris Rigby]

Viagra is now made in a powder form for your cup of tea, It doesnt change your sexual enhancments but it makes your biscuits not go soft

 

[Nick Deeley]

I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired. You'd still have to show up the next day...

 

[Omer Said]

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.

"You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.

"Try playing a game of fetch with him."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."

 

[Thomas Hackel]

I stopped a drunk driver, and asked him to walk the white line. He said I’m not drunk. I'll walk that wire fence over there. I said ok, and he climbed onto the fence took a couple steps, and fell inside the fence. A large bull with huge horns butted him, he grabbed the horns, and they went around for several minutes. The bull finally threw him into the road, and he got up looked at me and said, "See I told you I wasn't drunk if I was I would have taken that bicycle away from that fence".

 

[Thomas Hackel]

Men don't lie when they tell the pharmacist "the viagra is for my friend".

 

[H34d5h07]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

HAHAHAHA!

 

[Linus Broström]

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts 'mypenis' in, and the wife falls on the ground laughing because it said "Error: Not long enough."

 

[Resi Respati]

DOGS AND COMPUTERS: SAME OR DIFFERENT?

~ Favorite food -
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

~ After destruction of personal property -
D: dog not found
C: file not found

~ Favorite trick -
D: roll over
C: play dead

~ Comic-page hero -
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert

~ Widely-ignored government mandate -
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act

~ Waste disposal tool -
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller

~ Unique behavior -
D: lick and drag
C: click and drag

~ Estimated lifespan -
D: 12 years
C: 12 months


WHY DOGS CAN'T USE COMPUTERS

~ He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

~ SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

~ Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

~ Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.alpo.com instead of working.

~ The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

~ He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."

~ It's too messy to "mark" every website he visits.

~ He can't stick his head out of Windows 7.

 

[Gary Ludlum]

RaceDepartment. Take that 'c' and replace it with a 'p' Just joking ofc but rather funny

 

[James Chant]

RaceDepartment. Take that 'c' and replace it with a 'p' Just joking ofc but rather funny

I think you got yourself confused. I'm assuming you are already a member.... http://www.sickipedia.org

 

[Roy Magnes]

The Norwegian water polo team was kicked out of the world championship today as they drowned 6 horses in yesterdays game vs. New Zealand.

 

[Neil Gault]

Aussie First Aid

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE



A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her bum.

This outrage shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his Fosters.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.

 

[Neil Gault]

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

 

[Resi Respati]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

[Roy Magnes]

A private jet crashed last night at a cemetery in Sweden. By this point, the police has found 836 dead bodies.

 

[Tijani]

Golden Rule:-
‘To be happy with a man,
love him little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman,
love her a LOT and DO NOT TRY to understand her ”
Apartments for Rent in Tucson

 

[Resi Respati]

A American family took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec.

When he awoke, he looked out his window at the highway signs - now in French - and said in a worried tone, "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."

 

[Kris Vickers]

Paddy says to Mick
"Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick replies,
"Lets hope its not the 13th eh!?"

 

[Linus Broström]

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today!
The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"
Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.