Joke of the Day....

[Neil Gault]

The Love Dress

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

 

[Resi Respati]

911

911 Operator: "911, what is your emergency?"

911 Caller: "Help! My wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart!"

911 Operator: "Is this her first child?"

911 Caller: "Of course not, you idiot! This is her husband!"

 

[Resi Respati]

Mambo Italiano...

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to
putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four!" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says
unbelievingly .
"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs
officer.
"Quattro meansa four.
You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea you arra breaking da
law!"

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over.
I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with da 2 guys in da Uno."

 

[Omer Said]

After a preacher died and went to Heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter: "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained: "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit: "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said Saint Peter: "And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake but even prayed."

 

[Lee Knight]

When I die,I want to go like my grandfather;Peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming & kicking like the four passengers in his car.

 

[Dave Flower]

My recent posts ont interweb thingy regarding the world cup :

1 - I dunno you send £2 to help starving children in Africa, and what do they do with it? They go and buy a bloody plastic trumpet!

2 - England - a team of 11 men... until they get within 30 metres of their opponents goal then they become 11 teams of 1 man. I don't know why I even bothered watching the match. Theres no tarmac, no engines, and they can't even tell where a bloody white line is.... Footballs coming home... More like football wants putting down!

 

[Dave Flower]

Text message -
I have been invited to a cannabis party tomorrow at 8pm. They told me to bring my own dope... so I'll pick you up about 7.30pm, ok?

A man and his wife we on holiday in Jeruselam when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said 'ship her home'. The undertaker said 'but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?' The husband replied - 'A long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead....... I can't take the fu#@ing chance!'

 

[Omer Said]

The Point Of No Return

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “You charged my credit card forty five dollars. Can I get a refund?”

(I pull up his account.)

Me: “Okay. I see that you rented two movies that were never returned and you were charged the sale price of the movies.”

Customer: “Well, I was on vacation and I forgot to return them on time.”

Me:“Let me go check the shelves for them; it’s possible that they didn’t get checked in properly. If I find them I can put a credit on your account that you can use whenever you’re in the store next.”

Customer: “I didn’t return them.”

(It’s been over two months since the movies were originally due.)

Me:“You didn’t return them?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me:“Sir, you would like me to pay you for renting movies and never bringing them back?”

Customer: “Uh huh.”

Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

Customer: “Okay…I just thought I’d ask.”

 

[Linus Broström]

u already posted that one. or someone else, i dont know

 

[Omer Said]

Ok sorry Linus, i missed it among so much jokes


When you take a long time, you’re slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.

When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.

When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.

When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked

 

[Lee Knight]

"When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill"(?)
Don't be fooled, He's either got a mistress or playing Golf!

 

[Omer Said]

Silver Lining

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

 

[Fredrik Arbegard]

A local minister was walking past the side of his church one day when he heard the intoning of a prayer that caught his attention.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead bird. The young lad, feeling that proper burial should be performed, had procured a small box and dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnn.....and into the hole he gooooes

 

[Resi Respati]

How to Stay Young

~ Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them.

~ Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

~ Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, golfing, whatever.

~ Enjoy the simple things.

~ Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

~ Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, golf or whatever. Your home is your refuge.

~ Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

~ Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

 

[Luke Morgan]

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't ever meet.

 

[Omer Said]

A funeral procession makes its way down the road. Six close members of the family are carrying the coffin between them, and on top of the casket is a fishing line, a net and some bait.

A passerby remarks: "He must have been a very keen fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," replies a local. "He's off to the river as soon as they've buried his wife!"

2nd joke:

One day, a man went to an auction and bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The parrot was his, at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer: "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

 

[Thomas Hackel]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

[Thomas Hackel]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

 

[Mike Bell]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it

 

[Mike Bell]

I’m Tired! Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough.

But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the population are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leaves 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work.

Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you’re just sitting there reading this! No wonder I’m tired!!!