Joke of the Day....

[Mike Bell]

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!"
After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live."
Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!"
Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

 

[Alberto Deca]

Very nice:wink::signup:

 

[Mike Bell]

which is best?
post 99
post 100
post 101
?

 

[Alberto Deca]

which is best?
post 99
post 100
post 101
?

101 yes yes

 

[Resi Respati]

Dentist

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?

Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?! Man, that's expensive.

Dentist: Okay, I'll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

 

[Resi Respati]

Bricks

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."

 

[Omer Said]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

 

[Resi Respati]

What's the quietest swear word?

Sh-h-h-h-h-h-h*t.

 

[Resi Respati]

World Celebrity Karaoke Championships 2010 - Round 13, Belgium.

Team F1 - Bohemian Rhapsody

"Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters..."

"Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooo - (anyway the wind blows)
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all..."

"Geetar Solo! Neeow, neeow, ne, ne, neeeeeooow, neeow, neeow, dee, dee, neowwww - neeow, dee, dee, neeow, dee, dee, neeeeeeooowww!..."

 

[Neil Gault]

Little Johnny and grandpa

Little Johnny and grandpa
One day little Johnny comes upon his grandfather enjoying a beer. Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?" To which his grandfather replies, "Well that all depends, can your dick touch your a**hole?" Slightly shocked, Johnny says, "No, grandpa" "Then you're not man enough" his grandfather replies promptly.

The next day Johnny sees his Grandfather smoking a cigar. He asks him, "Grandpa, may I smoke a cigar?" Again his grandfather replies "Can your dick touch your a**hole?" and, again, Johnny says no.

The third day Johnny's grandfather sees little Johnny eating some fresh baked cookies. He says, "Hey there Johnny, can you give me a cookie?"

Johnny asks, "I don't know grandpa, can your dick touch your a**hole?"

His grandfather proudly replies, "Why yes, yes it can"

Johnny says, "Well then go **** yourself, because grandma made these cookies for me"

 

[Omer Said]

Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new location for whatever reason; installing/adding new hardware or just decided to move it for "easier access", for instance (note easier access in quotation marks).

Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.

Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists.

1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.

2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.

3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.

4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.

5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location.

6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1.

7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.

8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.

9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway.

10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.

11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working.

12. Plug monitor in.

13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work.

14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.

15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.

16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.

17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.

 

[Omer Said]

So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices:
I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you."

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim,
and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka.

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"

 

[Resi Respati]

English professor: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is
'gross' and the other is 'cool.'"

Student: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

 

[Resi Respati]

Some of the artists of the '60s & '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again

 

[Wayne Reed]

they are cool

 

[Resi Respati]

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said "You're actually the new managing director." And I went into a tree.

So a policeman came up and asked, "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."

 

[Omer Said]

A minister had worked himself up into a frenzy while delivering a sermon on Heaven and Hell.

"Stand up if you want to go to Heaven!" he entreated his congregation.

Everyone in the church rose at once, except a fellow in the front row.

"Are you telling me that you don't want to go to Heaven when you die?" the minister asked the man.

"When I die, sure," the man replied: "I thought you were getting up a load to go right now."

 

[Resi Respati]

Sal: "You get along so well with just everybody - how do you do it?"

Nat: "It's easy: I never disagree with anyone, no matter what."

Sal: "Oh, that's impossible!"

Nat: "You're absolutely right."

 

[Neil Gault]

A Moooving Story
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was
very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wales "

 

[Resi Respati]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"