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try reading this without laughing

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Neil Gault, May 3, 2009.

  1. Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
    a little something extra for my wife Julie..

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser..

    The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no

    long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her

    adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.


    I was disappointed.

    I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
    arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target..

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

    But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spa*** and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
    with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
    possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side as to say, 'don't do it idiot,' reasoning that a one second
    burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

    I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .


    WHAT THE F__K !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me
    up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..

    A three second burst would be considered conservative?

    *(^%#@, THAT HURT !!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I cr_pp_d myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
    their safe return!!

    P. S.

    My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
  2. LMFAO i couldnt do it! i want one :p lol
  3. Just read 40% of it and I laughed. :lol:
  4. Haha, that was good. I only found myself smiling though, no laughs :(.
  5. I got to the point where he said that cat was looking at him as if to say "don't do it idiot". The frequency and volume of laughter increased as I read on, nice one.
  6. David Buxton

    David Buxton
    Premium Member

    If I said I laughed, it would be an understatement... As this would be the kind of stupid thing that I would do :pound:
  7. Hee hee I lol'ed :good:
  8. Paulo Ribeiro

    Paulo Ribeiro
    Animals and Racing Lover

    :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: and :rotfl::rotfl:
  9. omg Neil i cant stop laughing now
  10. Hiroshi Awazu

    Hiroshi Awazu
    Off Topic Moderator

    lollollollol OMG too funny, I had to bring this one back! :D
  11. "Don't do it idiot" XD