Joke of the Day....

[Resi Respati]

60,000 feet?!

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft).

The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

The pilot, responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it."

 

[Resi Respati]

How fuel taxes are used.

A 4 ship formation of military fighter jets was at the holding point of the runway at a civilian airport. Behind them, several civilian airliners and business jets were waiting in turn.

Tower: Gunfighter formation are you ready?
Gunfighter: Negative.
Tower: Gunfighter, advise when ready.
Gunfighter: Roger.

Time ticks by with lots of engines running.

Tower: Gunfighter formation, are you ready?
Gunfighter: Negative.
Tower: You know, the guys behind you pay for their fuel.
Gunfighter: Roger, they pay for ours too!

 

[Resi Respati]

If you come in late...

George, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 10 or 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk: "George, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a great job, but being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"

 

[Resi Respati]

Winter Holidays

Shirl: So your jealous boyfriend is upset that you're going off on your winter vacation by yourself?

Pearl: That's right, even though I told him that I'm as faithful as the day is long.

Shirl: Where are you going?

Pearl: Alaska.

 

[Resi Respati]

My New Job

I walked into the interview with a great deal of confidence and enthusiasm. Flying airplanes was my one true passion in this life. This was my big chance to merge my occupation with my love. I would become an airline pilot.

"So you want to be an airline pilot?" the interviewer inquired.

"Yes, sir, more than anything else I have ever wanted," I replied, realizing I sounded like an anxious adolescent.

"Well, great, welcome aboard," the airline executive said.

"You mean I'm hired?!" I cheered.

"You bet, we're glad to have you. Actually, we've had trouble finding good pilots to hire," the exec explained. If I was surprised, it was overshadowed by my joy of reaching my dream.

"Let's just go over a few points before you sign on the dotted line," the company man chortled. "We're going to send you to the world's most renowned medical center. They'll spend two days probing your body orifices, draining and analyzing your blood, and administering psychological exams. They'll literally take you apart and put you back together. If they find any hint of current or future problems, you're fired and can find your own ride home."

"Gee, I think my health is OK," I nervously choked out.

The manager went on, "Good, next we'll evaluate your flying skills in an aircraft you've never been in before. If we don't like the way you perform, you're fired,"

I was confident with my flying, but this guy was making me nervous.

He continued, "Next, if you're still here, we'll run you through our training program. If during any time in the next 10 years you decide to leave the company, you'll have to reimburse us $20,000, or we'll sue you. Also if you fail to measure up during training, you're fired."

The man who had just given me my dream job listed still more hurdles. "Each time, before we allow you near one of our multimillion dollar aircraft we'll X-ray your flight bag and luggage, because we don't trust you. Also we'll ask you to pass through a magnetometer each time. If you fail to do so, you'll be arrested and jailed.

"When you've completed your flight, we'll have you provide a urine sample, because we don't trust you to not take drugs. Very soon, we plan to take a blood sample to look for more drugs. Also if you ever fly with another crew member who may have used drugs or alcohol, you must report to us immediately. If you fail to notice that anyone has used these substances, you'll be fired, have your license to fly revoked, and be fined $10,000.

"Every six months, we want you to go back to the medical center for another exam. If they ever find a hint of a problem, your license to fly will be revoked and we'll fire you. Anytime you see a medical person, you must tell us about it so we can see if you need to be grounded and terminated. Also, we need to examine your driving record, and you must tell us if you have even any minor infractions so we can remove you from the cockpit as soon as possible.

"At any time, without notice, a special branch of the government will send one of its inspectors to ride in your aircraft. The inspector will demand to see your papers and license; if your papers are not in order, you'll be removed, fined, terminated, and possibly jailed.

"If at any time you make an error in judgment or an honest human mistake, you will be terminated, be fined tens of thousands of dollars, and be dragged through months of court proceedings. The government will make sure you never fly again for any airline.

"You will be well out of town most holidays, weekends, and family events - half our pilots are always on the job at any point in time."

Smiling an evil smile now, the airline hirer went on. "Oh, and one last thing to cover. Occasionally, we in management fail to see a trend and screw up royally or the country's economy falls flat on its face. If as a result of one of those events the corporation begins to lose money, you as an employee will be expected to make up the losses from your paycheck. Of course, management will not be held to the same standards.

"Oh, and one last thing - if we negotiate pay and work rule concessions from you in the in exchange for a better pension plan, we probably won't fund that pension plan agreement (unlike the management pension plan and golden parachutes) and will likely have yanked it away from you."

"Now sign here," he pointed, grinning as he handed me a pen.

I faked a sudden nosebleed. Holding my head back and pinching my nostrils, I hurried from his office. When I got to the hall, I began to run. I ran all the way to my car. I figured if I hurried I could still get to the county vocational school before 5:00 and enroll in the industrial welding career program.

 

[Dave Stephenson]

http://www.premierleague.com/page/Headlines/0,,12306~2047726,00.html

 

[Neil Gault]

How Many Mice Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb

How Many Mice Does It Take To
Screw In A Light Bulb?

Now, wait a minute, before
you scroll down for the answer,
see if you can figure this out
Come on........................
Think about it !
How many ....???





All right, if you think you're
really ready to give up ,

,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,

 

[Resi Respati]

A Chute

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.

He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."

 

[Resi Respati]

How to tell when foods go bad

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetit!

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of very carefully.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes should not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

BREAD - Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles or things fly out when you open it.

RAISINS - Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT - It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES - Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR - If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

 

[Thomas Hackel]

 

[Resi Respati]

A friend from the GeneRally forums posted this funny jokes. They were created by British drivers, who bought a Škoda car built in Communists' era. Have fun!

BTW in presence under VW it's better and Škodas are sold there with quite big success, e.g. 40 000 cars in 2005 and increasing.

You don't have to think up any Skoda Jokes,
.. the Skoda is a Joke!

What's the difference between a Skoda and tickets for an Oasis concert?
Oasis tickets go fast!

What do you call a Skoda with a long radio aerial?
A dodgem!

Why do Skodas have a rear wash wiper?
To remove the flies that crash into them.

How do you double the value of a Skoda?
Chuck a penny into it.

How do you double the value of a Skoda?
Fill the tank!

What do you call a Skoda with a ladder on the roof?
A wheelbarrow!

Why does a Skoda have a double rear window heater?
To keep everyones hands warm when they are pushing it!

What do you call a Skoda with twin exhausts?
A wheelbarrow.

I've just bought the new 16 valve Skoda,
... 4 in the engine, 12 in the radio!

What's the difference between a Jehova Witness and a Skoda?
You can shut the door on a Jehova Witness!

What do you call a convertible Skoda?
A skip (large metal refuse container used on building sites, For the benefit of our American readers!)

Whats the difference between a Skoda and a tampon?
The Tampon comes with its own tow rope!

What do you call a Skoda in the winter?
A freezer.

What do you call a Skoda at the the top of a hill?
A miracle.

How do you tell if your Skoda is made by convicts or ordinary workers?
The car assembled by convicts has nothing missing!

How can you tell if your Skoda was built by convicts?
Once it leaves the factory it runs and runs and runs ...!

What is the difference between a Skoda and the flu?
You can get rid of the flu!

What happens if you apply rust remover to a Skoda?
It dissappears!

How do you overtake a Skoda?
Run!

What happened after the Skoda hit a cat?
The cats doing fine - the Skoda died!

Why are Skoda drivers like corned beef?
They both come in tin cans!

What do you call a car that always wins the Lombard Rally but never appears in the Leader Board?
A Skoda!

What d'you call a turbo-charged Skoda?
A lawn mower!

What is a Skoda owner's greatest ambition?
To get a speeding ticket.

Why is a Skoda like a baby?
It never goes anywhere without a rattle.

Why did the Skoda cross the road?
It was meant to go along it, but the steering failed.

Why don't you need gloves if you drive a Skoda with a heated rear windscreen?
You'll be pushing it all the time.

What do you call a Skoda driver who says he has a speeding ticket?
A dreamer.

A lady went to a Skoda dealership to buy a car, only to be told that, due to new EEC regulations, she had to provide an account of her medical history before she could purchase the car.
Slightly annoyed she complied, and returned the following day with the required information.
The salesman read the documents & said "Sorry ma'am, but you can't buy a Skoda"
"Why on earth not?" asked the perplexed woman.
"Well," said the salesman, "It says here that you've had a hysterectomy, and you have to be a complete c**t to buy a Skoda!"

 

[Resi Respati]

Three Wishes

There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!

"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."

So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."

"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"

The guy thinks for a while. Then, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, convertible, power locks, power windows, satellite radio, you know the works."

"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"

"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."

"Okay, suit yourself," says the genie.

So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends. He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

 

[Resi Respati]

A Rope

There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping...

 

[Omer Said]

The Point Of No Return

(From a video rental store in USA)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “You charged my credit card forty five dollars. Can I get a refund?”

(I pull up his account.)

Me: “Okay. I see that you rented two movies that were never returned and you were charged the sale price of the movies.”

Customer: “Well, I was on vacation and I forgot to return them on time.”

Me:“Let me go check the shelves for them; it’s possible that they didn’t get checked in properly. If I find them I can put a credit on your account that you can use whenever you’re in the store next.”

Customer: “I didn’t return them.”

(It’s been over two months since the movies were originally due.)

Me:“You didn’t return them?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me:“Sir, you would like me to pay you for renting movies and never bringing them back?”

Customer: “Uh huh.”

Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

Customer: “Okay…I just thought I’d ask.”

 

[Resi Respati]

Airline Surcharge

With airlines adding fees to fees, we thought we'd warn you of the next surcharges they'll levy for something previously free:

1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card.

2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.

3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.

4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

 

[Resi Respati]

Anti-gravity pens.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

 

[Neil Gault]

Little Johnny Does It Again.....

Little Johnny Does It Again.....
The teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

 

[Omer Said]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

 

[Omer Said]

Peanuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

 

[Resi Respati]

Application

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
By W. Bruce Cameron

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _____________________________________

If less than your age, explain _______________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

Do you own a van? _______________

A truck with oversized tires? _______________

A waterbed?_______________

A pickup with a mattress in the back?_______________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _______________

A tattoo?_______________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?______________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

Church you attend ______________________________________________________

How often you attend ___________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

_____________________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

_____________________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

_____________________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

_____________________________________________________________________

What do you want to do IF you grow up? _____________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).