Joke of the Day....

[Omer Said]

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.


Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.


Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.


Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?


Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.


Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have all.

Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?


Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.


Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.


Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.


Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.


Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

 

[Péter Bártfai]

LOL Great one Omer!

 

[Abdul Al-Amry]

LOL. Wise old chicken

 

[Omer Said]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair!

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a movie called American Pie."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[Abdul Al-Amry]

LMAO. Thats a great one.

 

[Omer Said]

Gambler
_______


During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

 

[Omer Said]

Jerry received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least very rude.

Jerry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was a ----

-Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Jerry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did???"

 

[Danny Asbury]

ROFL, that gambler one is awesome. The one with the bird is nice too. lol

 

[Omer Said]

When you take a long time, you’re slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.

When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.

When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.

When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked

 

[Neil Gault]

Twin sisters were turning one hundred years old

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY - BOTH OF US?

 

[Omer Said]

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A while later , a big , strong , mean-looking guy plops down in the seat next to him , and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick , but he's afraid to wake the big guy up so he can go to the bathroom.

He knows he can't climb over him , so he just sits there , looks at the big guy and tries to decide what to do.

Suddenly , the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes thru the little guy.

He can't hold it any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

Then , the big guy wakes up , looks down and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy , "Are you feeling better now?"

:thumbup:Clever Boy!

 

[Omer Said]

Putting it in
__________

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

 

[Dave Stephenson]

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm!

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

 

[Neil Gault]

Two Nuns

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the F*ck off the windshield! "

 

[Resi Respati]

Your Intentions Please?

ATC: Cessna G-ABCD, what are your intentions?

Student Pilot: To get a Commercial Pilot's License and an Instrument Rating.

ATC: I mean, in the next five minutes, not in the next five years...

 

[Resi Respati]

Bored, but not stupid

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, I've been here before alright!

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

 

[Neil Gault]

Short Irish Joke
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

 

[Neil Gault]

there's this yellow toad
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed
off. because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he
was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for
one thing.

Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like
the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."


The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says

"Abracapokus! You're brown!"


The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow.
He says to the fairy godmother:

"Wait a minute! My willy's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do willys. You will have to see the The wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.


There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother.
He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."


She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says:

"My willy is still purple!"


She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see The wizard of Oz for that."


To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell

do I find The wizard of Oz?"




The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy.....just follow the yellow dick Toad!"

 

[Resi Respati]

Decide Now!

Flight attendant: "In the case of a sudden decompression, oxygen masks will automatically appear, immediately stop screaming, pull down the mask and put it around your mouth like so. If you have a child, secure your mask first before assisting your child. If you have two children, then decide now which ones you loved the most!"

 

[Dave Stephenson]

lol Resi, you should post that one in the Fail thread :tongue: