Joke of the Day....

[Neil Gault]

The taxman cometh
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

 

[Resi Respati]

Impact abatement?

ATC: Pan Am 1636 heavy, for noise abatement, turn right heading 045.

Pan Am 1636: Los Angeles Center, we're at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make from up here?

ATC: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

--------

Too Late!

Actual transmission from Chicago-O'Hare TRACON:

"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has... oh disregard, I see you've already ejected."

 

[Omer Said]

Help


The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

 

[Neil Gault]

My Patents
The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle." She said, "Okay, what do you call it?" "A Fottle", I said. "What else do you have?" "A folding carton." "What do you call it?" "A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket

 

[Abdul Al-Amry]

LOOL

A F........et

 

[Resi Respati]

Behind the Virgins

ATC: "Speedbird 930 taxi to holding position Runway 26. You are number 6 after the Virgins."

Speedbird 930: "I've never had to queue behind that many virgins before - never ever in my whole life!"

 

[Resi Respati]

Guess which airline this Flight Attendant works for...

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Calgary noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she is so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant! But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned toward her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta."

He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman savagely turned to him and barked, "What the **** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair,and said "Ahhh... Air Canada!"

 

[Resi Respati]

New Airline Rules?

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be well, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

 

[Abdul Al-Amry]

MY FIRST TIME EVER....



It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever

Dont read below for the answer yet until you finish reading ^^



































>>At milking a cow... <<Highlight with ur cursor

 

[Resi Respati]

Squawk list

"Squawks" are problems noted by pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) is the problem found by the pilot
(S) is the solution to the problem by the maintenance crew

-------

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal -- # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

 

[Resi Respati]

Missing Pilot

A student pilot became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to relocate his position on the radar, the ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student pilot: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

[Resi Respati]

Darn newfangled watches!

ATC: Delta 351, you have traffic at your 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Delta 351: Give us another hint! We have digital watches!

 

[Neil Gault]

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.


The Indian Chief proclaims,



"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger..."



"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your FIRST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."



The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse,

But I will still kill you in two days.

What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.



She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,
But I will still kill you tomorrow.
What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse ... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!
FOR ... THE ... LAST ... TIME ...



BRING POSSE!"

 

[Gary Ludlum]

LoooooooooooooooooL this is epic Neil Thanks mate

 

[Omer Said]

Pickpocket


A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."

The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

 

[Resi Respati]

Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

"He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last enemy with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!"

 

[Dave Stephenson]

did you hear about the race between the 2 decapitated men?

It was neck and neck!

 

[Neil Gault]

did you hear about the race between the 2 decapitated men?

It was neck and neck!

yip they both fought hard to win by a nose but i guess there was no hope of that

 

[Ben Tusting]

Did you hear that the SNP are going to win?

 

[Resi Respati]

How long does it take?

A man telephoned an airline ticket office in Miami and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"

The clerk said, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the man said and hung up.